The unexpected bumps....

I have one final interview left in a week for the Carmelites, and all seems to be on track for my entrance as a pre-novice/postulant..However, some emotional sidetrack has come upon me, and what makes it even more difficult is that I didn't expect to deal with it this early. I really thought that making a decision to forsake the world to follow Christ would prove easy in the beginning, but I am already meeting challenges.
I have a friend who met someone and its the beginning of something nice for him. He has all the beautiful fleeting emotions and has a smile on his face. I am happy that he is having this experience, mostly because it has never happened to him before but in general because I care about him dearly. I was warned some time ago that jealousy is the prime destroyer of all communities and I have an inkling as to why now. The emotions of grief are thicker than a split pea soup for me right now, and really why? Is it because I am showing signs of regret or is it because I feel all the worldly things detaching their hooks from my soul?

I have to admit that for a couple of days I let this really get me down to the point of being despondent. I mean I still have the desire to intimately known and loved by someone. I would love to the apple of someone's eye and feel all that warmth, but I know that it isn't going to happen. The pain is so burning and real, and I have to wonder how long it is going to be like this. Immediately the story of Elijah/Elisha came to mind and I was reminded that this life to follow with require great sacrifice on my part but the Lord will see to it that I am taken care of. This must be a Scripture chain of some sort because now my thoughts are directed to Matthew when Jesus assures his disciples that as his father provides for the birds of the air, he will also provide for them and they need not worry.

This pain is quite deep and searing, and I am leaning on the very person of Jesus. I am glad that I never knew what exactly I would be facing, however it must be the feeling of Sin detaching from me and I must remain grateful for each and every twinge if that is indeed what it is. I pray for courage to take hold of the transformative power of His Grace, the task is monumental ahead but it will be accomplished. I must retain an open heart and spirit.

I wonder as I wander....

I have my final interview with the O.Carms scheduled in just a little over a week, and then they have the admissions board to review my application. Its so difficult to commit to any one group because there is so much that is admirable about many. I have to let go of my attachment to the Cistercian life, because I think it is my desire to sacrifice everything that draws me there... not necessarily the full life of prayer that it is.

At each point in the discernment process it seems that one must really evaluate what he is giving up and his progress. Tonight I was hit with an emotional bombshell that I thought I had completely conquered some time ago, and I was really taken by suprise at the jealousy that had risen up inside of me. My friend went to a party and met someone that really caught his attention, and while this doesn't sound like a big deal this is still in the game of "firsts". I remembered all the hope that I had when I was 18 or 19 that I would meet someone special and I would have that mountain moving romance. It never came to pass in the way that I imagined it.
I did, however, meet someone that was wonderful when I was 21 that was later killed in an accident by a drunk driver. We dated for about 6 months and I don't know that I ever really recovered from that, because I never dated again. It just couldn't be the same because I felt like my relationship with God was tarnished and that he was in the mood for taking things away from me. I wanted to be holy, but I don't know that I was prepared to deal with that amount of pain at all.
Six years later and I have worked through most of the pain and I think I have been able to commit to healing. The relationship with my and my Lord is good and much progress has been made. When I started coming through the fog I found my calling again to vocation, and I just want to do what God is asking me to do so that I can remain in his good graces. I think the life ahead will be rewarding and fulfilling.... but I know I will have to dance with my demons on occasion.

musings again...

I am not sure why, but for the last few days I have not been able to think about anything other than life as a Cistercian. I wonder if maybe perhaps that it is a sign that my interior life craves simplicity or structure. I have been reading up on architectural history and the Cistercians had the most beautiful churches.
I live fairly close to one in Huntsville, UT called Holy Trinity Abbey. The average age is rather high, however, I feel that the paradigm shift that is occuring in our church's history has the potential to bring that down and infuse the Monastery with young blood. They are great men that would serve as great models for novices. Many of them have ties to the military life even! My heart very much would like to be a part of this Abbey's renaissance, but most importantly I think they have much to offer a young world that craves direction.

I will continue to pray for our Church that many of the abuses that arose from misapplication of Vatican II are corrected. I will also pray for a massive increase in vocations to the Holy Roman Catholic Church. We need men who aren't afraid to stand up for what is right, today is so caught up in political correctness so much so that its devalued the faith to a point. I think we will see a mild infusion of Latin, a liturgical renewal, and radiant fidelity to Rome.

Holy Week!

It has been so long since I've updated this! I have been traveling all over and now of course we are in for Holiest of Days in Christendom. Maundy Thursday is tomorrow and I found out that I have duties to coordinate the foot washing during the Mass. I will be at all but one Mass this weekend, so I will need to grab my rest when I can. I am particularly excited about witnessing the baptisms and the confirmation into the church this weekend!

During the last few weeks, I have flown in and out of Chicago four or five times, and even made a visit to the East Coast. My last trip was to Ocean City, NJ and Philadelphia to have a retreat with the Augustinians. My time there was well spent, in fact, I would say its been one of the best retreats that I've attended. The best part of it all is that we were very close to the Atlantic Ocean. I could hear and see the ocean from my bedroom window. It was a bit cold out, but I elected to sleep with my windows wide open because its just not often that you get to have that experience. One of the nights that I was there, I took a walk along the boardwalk to explore; I came to the metaphor of God as an Ocean and wandered out onto a jetty. If you don't know what a jetty is, just picture a sidewalk made of huge stones that juts out into the sea a ways. I walked out to the point where the shore disappeared from my periphery, and just tried to imagine Him.

It was really quite sobering, just the sheer magnitude of it all. We also had the pleasure of attending an ordination for the office of diaconate at the National Shrine of St. Rita of Cascia while there. The Altar was breathtaking, but the pews were what took me by surprise. They were built on a platform type mechanism with iron pipes running through the middle of the block. The set up was curious, but I soon surmised that the piping provided for the heat and that is probably the way it was designed back in the olden days.

My experience with the Augustinians proved to be entirely positive that I could and would actually consider them in my discernment. I try to make an honest assessment of where my strengths and weaknesses lie and what the relationship between any order and myself would be like. Augustinians claim the charism of community and seem to really foster fraternity successfully. St. Augustine, I think, is a spiritual father that I could look up to as his life seems to parallel mine in many ways. They were hospitable and generous in my time there and I felt welcomed with such warmth.

I've had my heart set on Carmelite life and I think this opportunity really gave me time to look at it deeper. During one of the presentations, Fr. Kevin was discussing the 4 pillars in the mendicant life. He pointed out how Dominicans focus on preaching, the Franciscans on the poor, the Augustinians on community... but when he arrived at the Carmelites he stammered a little and looked at me and asked me what I thought the focus was. In all honesty, I hadn't really gone there in my process~ but out of nowhere I heard myself say, "the interior life". It sounded and felt true as I was saying it, and as I went back to verify that what I was said was indeed correct I saw that it was probably correct. This probably wouldn't be a big deal to anyone, other than it was the lightbulb that made it so clear for me.

One, I was asking to speak on Carmelite life in that very small and insignificant way. Two, I had discovered what seperated the two orders. The Auggies were telling me that they were so similar to the O.Carms but I was having a really hard time with that and it just didn't seem right to me, and finally I had a little clarity. After praying about it, I felt that I had discerned correctly that O.Carm was the life that I needed to live.

Right now, I have one more interview still remaining before the admissions board meets to decide my fate. I have already had my psychological exam and I haven't heard anything about it since, so I think that I could rest and assume that it was at least ok. I don't think I have any major problems that are really red flags to worry about, but I do have family history that raises eyebrows with some vocation directors. I also have tidying up to do in my personal life, but since I was terminated at work that frees up my time immensely to do so. I have actually listed many things for sell on Amazon.com and have already shipped six of them off

I have a few more things to discuss, but it is time for Mass and compline.

Meditations

Today I was sitting and looking over some materials that have been sent to me over the years regarding my vocation. I have effectively ruled out life as a diocesan priest, as I have been able to identify that community is essential to my well being. The question that arises is one of "where?" and usually that is followed by a big "WHY?".
I current have my application in with the Carmelite Friars and have made it half way through the application process. I think these men are wonderful men that I can definitely learn from and grow with, but this morning there was something very startling. As I was looking over the websites of some of the cloistered orders, I was overcome by a sadness. I am not quite certain why or if it really had anything to do with my discernment, however, I noticed in my heart there was a longing for true monastic life. The Friar is often more like a parish priest in his ministries, and within the Dominican and Carmelite Communities they try to unite Contemplative Life with Active. I can't really say how successful they are, but for me it was an expression of wanting to "have my cake and eat it too".
The contemplative life is very important to me as the backbone to my prayer life, but I fear what would happen if I lost contact with the outside world. I have a propensity for rigidity, and I am quite afraid that if I didn't have people around me constantly challenging me~ I would become exactly that. I have a need to contribute to a community, to affect change to help others achieve something better. I still yearn in my heart for something monastic and stable with a life built around the Liturgy of the Hours.
This could just be growing pains, and that monastic life would afford me the opportunity to retreat inwards and disregard the world and its ways. I know that the rest of my life will be a great opportunity for me to understand and apply this, so I will hand this over to Christ to carry for me. I trust myself to his Mercy and I will arrive precisely where I am supposed to be according the the Divine Will.

Introduction

Hi! My name is Warren and I have decided to set up a blog to journal my discernment journey into the life of a priest. I may have been a little late setting this up, as I have been in the process of discernment for over ten years, and I think I finally have found my home.

I currently am a Senior at the University of Utah, majoring in Communications; however, I have prayed and decided to submit my application to enter life as a Carmelite. It all came quickly to me in that regard, but when you know.. you know.

Maybe I shouldn't say that it all came quickly, because it did happen over the course of a year. I had begun to communicate with Fr. Brian, one of the vocations directors, and eventually met up with him at R.E. Congress in Los Angeles in Feb 2008. Prior to that he sent me a format for an autobiography, and asked that I write one for him. I sat down to write it, and I will admit there was a little defiance in my heart. My approach was to actually write the biography in a way that was so brutally honest that he would definitely say "no." He never said no. He invited me to a Come and See retreat that Spring, but I had to decline as I was experiencing a lack of funds and time. Eventually, I managed to make a Come and See retreat.

Last fall, I had actually gone on several retreats and I was pretty settled on life as a Dominican. I had spent time with Cistercians and the Benedictines prior, but after living around Dominicans for two years- I thought I'd make a Dominican retreat. I had a retreat with the Carmelites after my retreat with the Dominicans, and I have to admit that I really wasn't looking forward to it. It was for no other reason than that I felt that I was going to be a Dominican and that I could stop looking. Providence would have it a different story.

I attended the retreat at Whitefriars Hall in Washington D.C. with the community, and they were extremely welcoming and hospitable. I enjoyed two tours of the National Shrine, and took a day trip to the U.S. Capital and White House. The other retreatants were very nice as well, and I thought it would be a nice weekend. The turning point for me, in retrospect, where the conversations that I had one on one with the Carmelite Brothers there. I began to see that they understood that I wasn't going to have all of my things in order. I felt the charity that resided in their hearts for eachother, and I saw the willingness to extend a hand to help a brother in need. I was very impressed by that. Generally, it could be expected that each community would have that trait, but my travels proved otherwise. I remember one community especially where it seemed that indifference was the rule that the monastics followed, and I knew it wasn't for me.

The last night of the retreat at Whitefriars, I fell on my knees and asked God to show to me what it is that he intended for my life. I felt that I was not on the right path, and I wanted to know with some form of certainty. I think that was the most heartfelt prayer I had ever prayed in my life. I began to recollect all of my vocation retreats, and I asked myself what made any of them any different than the others. My mind couldn't formulate an explanation for any of it, because in truth they were all very indentical to the last. I prayed for Mary to pray for me and stand guard over me while I slept and went to sleep.

The signal for me came early the next morning. All of my anxieties were gone when I woke up. I thought that maybe it was because I had a great night's sleep, but I realized at breakfast that this was a much more enduring form of peace. I realized that I was completely relaxed and felt like myself. This was it. The thought occured to me, "Warren, you have been more yourself here than you have been anywhere else. This is the community that will help to be the person in Christ that God is calling you to be."

I made an appointment with Fr. Brian and asked for the application to enter. I might have been a little overenthusiastic, but he had the full application to him within a week of us returning to our homes. Currently, I am still in the application process with O.Carm, and I eagerly await a decision.